The backroom of the pub stank like stale beer and urine. The Easter Bunny and Jack Frost sat at a rotten old wooden table, whilst the Tooth Fairy, due to her petite size, stood on the table with an equally miniature flip chart.
Jack Frost looked around the room disapprovingly. ‘This place needs such a make-over!’ he stated. ‘Two hundred years, and still not a lick of fresh paint. Oh, it’s an outrage!’
‘What do you expect, the bleedin’ Ritz?!’ grunted the Easter Bunny taking a gulp of his ale.
The tooth fairy tapped her watch impatiently. ‘Oh where is he?’ she scowled. ‘If he’s not here in three minutes, we’ll start without him!’
‘He’s late every blinkin’ year!’ said the Easter Bunny. ‘Anyway sweetheart, why don’t we just forget the meeting this time and have a drink, you know, just the two of us.’
‘Well, I think Mrs. Bunny would have something to say about that, don’t you?!’ said the Tooth Fairy with disgruntlement.
‘Oh well, can’t blame a bunny for trying!’ said the Easter Bunny.
‘Oh my God,’ moaned Jack, ‘you are such a disgrace Easter!’
The Tooth Fairy looked at her watch again. ‘Right! That’s it! Time’s up!’ she exclaimed.
But as soon as she had said this, the thud of heavy boots started to shake the whole room. The thuds became louder and louder until suddenly the old back door flew open to reveal the grotesque and bulbous form of Father Christmas. He was carrying a big bag of takeaway from Bargain Burgers.
‘Oh those bloody numpties!’ he exclaimed. ‘They only gave me a quarter pounder when I ordered a double bacon special! I mean, who can survive more than five minutes on a bloody quarter pounder eh?’
‘You’re late!’ moaned the Tooth Fairy.
Father Christmas waddled in and slumped himself down on the remaining chair at the table. It creaked painfully under his enormous weight. He emptied the contents of the takeaway bag onto the table and started scoffing.
‘I hope you beggars don't think that you're getting any of this! Not after all I had to go through to get it!’ he shouted with his mouth full.
‘You’ll have a flippin’ heart attack in a minute if you go on like that Christmas!’ said the Easter Bunny.
‘Don’t bloody start with me Easter!’ snarled Father Christmas as lettuce and ketchup tumbled down his beard and onto his grimy shirt. ‘You’re not exactly slimmer of the bloody month yourself!"
Jack Frost waved his hands wildly in the air. ‘Boys, boys!’ he exclaimed. ‘Calm down, you’re giving me heart burn!’
‘Oh shut up Frost!’ exclaimed Father Christmas.
‘That’s quite enough!’ stated the Tooth Fairy. ‘Now, it’s about time we got down to business.’
‘Whatever you say Tooth!’ relented Father Christmas.
‘Now then, first from me,’ began the Tooth Fairy. ‘Tooth profits have reached an all time low this year. This is mainly due to an increase in dental hygiene.’ She pointed at a meaningless pie-chart. ‘However, there continues to be a steady rise in first tooth losses which is tied-in with the current birth rate as shown in this diagram. The exchange rate per tooth has risen to an approximate average of one pound twenty-five… Frost, are you listening?’
Jack Frost was busy writing a message on his phone.
‘Um, what, yes, just a moment,’ he said, continuing to write the message.
‘I will not continue until I have your full attention,’ commanded the Tooth Fairy.
Jack Frost grimaced and slammed his phone onto the table. ‘It’s Wee Willy Winkie,’ he said. ‘He’s having issues again.’
‘Ah bloody hell!’ moaned Father Christmas as more ketchup squirted down his beard.
‘I thought it was over between you two fellas,’ said the Easter Bunny.
‘Well it was,’ sighed Jack, ‘but then he apologised. He said that he knew it wasn’t my fault that I had a cold heart. So we tried again. But now he’s saying I keep frosting up his windows on purpose. I don’t! And then we had this big argument because I said that times have moved on and children should be allowed to go to bed whenever they want. Well, you should have seen him – running up and down the living room in his nightgown, screaming at me! Well I said I was leaving him, again, and now he’s texting me all apologetic, as usual!’
‘Bloody ponces!’ snarled Father Christmas.
‘O.K.’ said the Tooth Fairy, ‘well perhaps if we can refocus our attention on the flipchart…’
‘How dare you speak to me like that Christmas!’ screeched Jack Frost. ‘You’re such an insensitive bastard!’
‘Ooh bloody la de da!’ mocked Father Christmas. He pulled a bottle of whisky from his coat, and started drinking. It dribbled down his beard and curdled with the ketchup.
Jack Frost started sobbing and the Easter Bunny shook his head and took another gulp of ale. The Tooth Fairy was clearly unimpressed.
‘I don’t know why we bother having these meetings every year!’ she exclaimed. ‘It always ends up just like this. We’re all hundreds of years old – can’t we just get along one day in the year?!’
The other three said nothing, except for Jack who was still sobbing.
Eventually he stopped. ‘I’m going to the bar to get a vodka and ice!’ he stated briskly. Then he rose from his chair and stormed out.
‘I hate that bloody ice queen!’ said Father Christmas.
‘Oh leave him alone for Christ’s sake!’ said the Easter Bunny.
‘What’s any of this got to do with Christ eh?!’ said Father Christmas. ‘Anyway, come on Tooth, let’s get on with the bloody shite shall we?’
‘Very well,’ huffed the Tooth Fairy. ‘Well, actually, I think I’ve covered my patch. What about you Easter, can we have an update on the Easter egg front please?’
The Easter Bunny shrugged. ‘Lots of kids, they all get Easter eggs, they eat too many of them, their teeth rot away, you give them one pound twenty-five, that’s about it ain’t it?’
The Tooth Fairy gave him a glare, and then turned to Father Christmas. ‘And what about you?’
‘Same as bloody always,’ grunted Father Christmas. ‘Lots of ungrateful little shits, all hoping to get a bloody Playstation, or Playgear or whatever the hell it is they want this year. I think they’d be lucky to get a bloody stick if you ask me. I let the elves deal with everything now, I can’t be bloody arsed.’
‘Well perhaps I’ll ask the elves to this meeting instead of you next year then,’ said the Tooth Fairy with a smug smile.
‘Fine with me,’ said Father Christmas. And then he burped and broke wind at the same time.
The Easter Bunny put a paw to his twitching nose. ‘Oh bloomin’ hell!’ he said.
‘Well really Father Christmas!’ exclaimed the Tooth Fairy. ‘I am quite appalled by your behaviour today!’
‘Oh screw you Tooth!’ said Father Christmas. He got up from his chair. ‘I’m getting out of here, this place bloody stinks! See you next year then, or not! Ho ho bloody ho!’
And with that he trundled out, shaking the room again with his thundering boots.
The Easter Bunny said nothing, and finished up his ale.
The Tooth Fairy sighed and started to dismantle her flipchart. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘that’s another successful meeting this year.’
The Easter Bunny chortled.
Then she stopped and looked at him. ‘Still fancy that drink?’ she asked.
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