Gregory Green walked along the street with his carrier bags, groaning to himself because he was so hungover. But that was what students were meant to do right? Get drunk, fail to pull, and then feel really sorry for themselves with a hangover from hell the next day. And if he had a chance, he'd do it all over again.
But life was hard for Gregory Green. Not only did he have the pressure of revising for his exams, he also had to deal with the fact that he was an evil brain sucking alien from the planet E-Nak.
No, life really wasn't fair at all. He had come to university because he had supposed that all the biggest, most juiciest brains would be there. And what did he find? The most annoying bunch of idiotic cretins in the universe. Even if he sucked the brains of all three delinquents in his student house, he still couldn't even collect enough grey matter to make a decent brain flavoured milkshake!
To top it all off, he was having a bad hair day. God! Could things get much worse? Then he realised that they could. His parents wouldn't be able to send him any more money this month, because he had sucked both their brains out during the Easter holidays. Damn, he should have kept them alive longer! But he was a thoughtless student, so what would you expect.
Obviously they weren't his real parents, but it had been nearly three years since he slurped the brain of the real Gregory Green and then assumed his form. And in fact, he had almost started to become attached to his new human parents. They loved him, helped him, supported him, cared for him, gave him money. But then, on Easter Sunday, he didn't get one single Easter egg. Obviously the parents had to die.
Greg finally arrived at the tattered old Victorian terrace which he called home, to find one of his house mates, Bill, microwaving rice pudding in the kitchen.
‘Hiya Greg!’ called Bill.
‘Hiya Bill!’ called Greg.
Greg chucked his shopping bags into the kitchen, slumped onto the old stained sofa, and turned on the satellite TV, which the students in the house clearly could not afford. Bill walked into the living room eating his rice pudding, making sure that some of it fell onto the carpet to keep the student feel of the room intact.
‘Now then Greg,’ said Bill as he walked into the living room, ‘myself and the rest of the gang are a little bit worried about you.’
‘Oh?’ said Greg raising his eyebrow. ‘Why's that Bill?’
‘Well, you seem to have a side of you that you're not talking to us about,’ replied Bill. ‘A secret, that you feel you can't tell us. You're always going off to that weird club "Suckers", every time you bring a girl back after a night out we never see her again, you have a weird obsession with buying party straws – and then sharpening the ends...’
‘Look, you're right,’ confessed Greg, ‘there is a side to me that you know nothing about.’
Bill squeezed Greg's arm, and looked him in the eye. ‘Greg – are you gay?’
‘No, I'm an evil brain sucking alien from the planet E-Nak,’ said Greg.
‘Oh, well, that's O.K. then,’ smiled Bill. ‘If you'd been gay, we'd have chucked you out of the house!’
‘You realise that now you know, I'm going to have to suck out your brain too,’ said Greg regretfully.
‘Well, can it wait until after Sunset Beach?’ asked Bill.
‘Yeah I guess,’ answered Greg.
‘Cool,’ said Bill as he finished his rice pudding.
A few hours later, another house mate, Jonathan, came in to find Greg eating what seemed to be a very red bowl of rice pudding.
‘What's that you're eating?’ asked Jonathan.
‘Whisked Bill Brain,’ said Greg.
‘Is it alcoholic?’ asked Jonathan.
‘No,’ replied Greg.
‘Well, in that case, I don't want to know,’ said Jonathan.
‘Actually,’ said Greg, ‘that's not such a bad idea.’
A few hours later, another housemate, Barbie, came in to find Greg pouring red cocktails.
‘That looks nice Greg,’ said Barbie.
‘Want some?’ asked Greg.
‘Go on then,’ said Barbie, who would drink anything.
Greg poured a glass of the red cocktail, and Barbie downed it in one.
‘Hmm, nice!’ said Barbie. ‘What's in it?’
‘Vodka, lemonade, tomato juice, Jonathan's brain fluid, and a bit of ginger,’ said Greg.
‘Great!’ said Barbie. ‘Have you seen Bill or Jonathan around?’
‘No,’ replied Greg innocently.
‘Oh, because I was kind of thinking that you might have sucked out their brains, and been making food and drink from the leftovers all evening,’ said Barbie unemotionally.
‘Oh dear Barbie,’ said Greg taking a nicely sharpened party straw from his shirt pocket, ‘I didn't want to have to kill you too. But I guess it means I can have a nice brain sandwich before bed.’
But Barbie pulled up her left sleeve to reveal a triangular tattoo on her shoulder.
‘The mark of Rangor!’ cried Greg in horror. ‘You're a Snojite, the sworn enemy of us evil brain sucking E-Nas.’
‘Rangor was a beautiful planet once you know,’ said Barbie sadly. ‘Green, lush, people singing sweet songs in the hills. But then the E-Nas came, and moved the planet's orbit, turning our paradise into an arctic wasteland. Most who survived the bitter cold were feasted upon by the E-Nas, until there was only a very few of us left. Then, we decided to fight back. We genetically enhanced ourselves, to become efficient E-Na slayers, and once we regained control of Rangor, we swore to go on, and hunt your kind to the very edges of the universe! You destroyed my planet, my people, and I'll never forgive you for that!’
Greg sighed. ‘Look, I've got enough pressure on me right now, I really don't need you and your annoying politically correct anti brain sucking ethics trying to control my life O.K.!?’
‘SCREW YOU ENA!’ yelled Barbie. ‘I'M BARBIE – THE E-NA SLAYER!’
And with that she grabbed a silver fork from the cutlery draw and thrust it into Greg's forehead – the only way to kill an E-Na.
‘Oh bollocks,’ moaned Greg, and then he spontaneously combusted.
Once the incineration was complete, Barbie brushed the ashes from the sofa, and finished the cocktail – well, it did taste rather nice.
‘Oh well,’ she frowned, ‘I guess I'm going to have to advertise for new housemates now!’
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