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The Fairy Godfather


Linzi and Maxine were livid.
‘How dare they call us Ugly Sisters!’ roared Linzi, brandishing the latest edition of Wow! in Maxine’s face. ‘I’ll ‘av those flippin’ paparazzi hung by their bleedin’ camera straps for this!’
‘Well maybe if you hadn’t worn that stupid hat at the bloomin’ wedding, they might have left us alone,’ responded Maxine. ‘It’s all your fault Linz.’
‘Nah,’ retorted Linzi. ‘I’ll tell you whose bloody fault it is – that flippin’ bitch Cinderella, that’s who. How that filthy cow managed to woo Prince Charming I’ll never know. It should have been us Max, it should have been us!’
Linzi threw the magazine at her sister and then hurled herself onto the leopard skin sofa in the spacious living room of their multi-million pound Essex estate.
‘Av you seen this?!’ asked Maxine angrily, flicking through the magazine. ‘Cinderbitch has been visiting hospitals, and planting trees with her beloved royal husband. How flippin’ annoying can you get?!’
‘What a cow,’ stated Linzi. ‘Just you wait until Mum gets back from Marbella. She’ll have something to say about them paps calling her the Wicked Stepmother.’
‘Flippin’ paps,’ spat Maxine. ‘You’re right Linz, it is all Cinderella’s fault. I wish she would just die!’
Then as if by magic, a pillar of purple smoke emerged in the centre of the room. As the smoke cleared, the form of a man appeared before them. He was dressed in a smart pinstripe suit with a black shirt, white tie, and a trilby hat.
‘Who the bleedin’eck are you?!’ asked Maxine in shock.
‘I’m your fairy godfather, capiche?’ stated the man.
‘You’re our what?!’ asked Linzi with confusion.
‘Look doll,’ said the Fairy Godfather, ‘I’m a busy man, I’ve got places to be, so I don’t want to have to keep repeating myself all the time, yes? Now, what’s this about wanting someone whacked.’
‘Our stepsister, Cinder-flippin-ella,’ hissed Linzi. ‘She needs to die!’
Suddenly, the Fairy Godfather’s phone started ringing to the tune of That's Amore.
‘Just a moment ladies, I need to get this,’ said the Fairy Godfather as he pulled the phone from his jacket pocket. ‘Hey Vinnie, what’s going down? ... What do you mean he’s not paying? ... Well then break his frickin’ legs! ... What do you mean he’s left town? ... O.K. O.K. take a chill pill Vinnie, I’ll take care of this.’
The Fairy Godfather sighed as he put the phone back in his pocket. ‘Sorry dolls, I’ll just be one minute, there’s some business I need to take care of.’
Then in another puff of purple smoke, the Fairy Godfather vanished into thin air. Linzi and Maxine stared open mouthed at the place where he had been standing, until suddenly he reappeared again in the exact same spot. The only difference was that his previously unblemished white tie now had blood splattered all over it. He pulled out his phone again and dialled the previous number.
‘Hey Vinnie,’ said the Fairy Godfather, ‘problem solved.’ Then he put the phone back into his pocket and turned his attention to the sisters. ‘So, this Cinderella bitch, you want her swimming with the fishes or what?’
‘Preferably with piranhas,’ snarled Linzi.
‘No wait,’ said Maxine, ‘that would be too easy. That cow needs to suffer like she’s made us suffer.’
‘So what do you want uh?’ asked the Fairy Godfather impatiently.
‘I want to break her flippin’ heart,’ said Maxine with a sinister smile. ‘I want to take away from her the thing she loves the most, Prince bleedin’ Charming.’
‘Yeah,’ agreed Linzi. ‘And then, once her heart is broken, we’ll kill them both!’
‘Nee he he he he he he he heee!’ cackled Maxine.
‘O.K. so you’ve got a plan, that’s a start,’ said the Fairy Godfather. ‘Now, we’ve just got to figure out how to make it happen. That’s where I come in, I’m good at making things happen, capiche?’
‘There’s a royal charity ball tonight,’ said Maxine.
‘Flippin’ charity,’ spat Linzi.
‘Cinderbitch hasn’t invited us,’ continued Maxine, ‘but maybe, if you could get us an invite...’
‘Oh I can do better than that dolls,’ smiled the Fairy Godfather. All of a sudden he pulled a gun from his jacket and pointed it at them.
‘Shit!’ squealed Linzi.
‘Hey, relax,’ said the Fairy Godfather. ‘This isn’t any ordinary gun, it’s magic baby.’
He fired the gun twice and two purple orbs of light shot out of the end and straight into Linzi and Maxine. They stood up in shock as they felt the energy transform them from the inside out. They looked at each other with astonishment as their waistlines slimmed, their breasts enlarged, and their faces became plastic perfect. Then their hair magically styled itself, and their clothes were replaced with beautiful party frocks. The heels on their shoes became so high it almost tipped them over.
‘Wow, talk about an extreme makeover!’ said Maxine with excitement as she admired her new self in the large mirror over the faux fireplace.
‘Hey Max, we look just like them girls on magazine covers!’ exclaimed Linzi, jumping up and down with delight. ‘Prince Charming will forget all about Cinderbitch when he sees these breasts!’
‘Yeah doll,’ agreed the Fairy Godfather, ‘I’ve done a pretty good job there, even if I do say so myself.’
‘But we can’t just go the ball on our own, we’d look like losers,’ said Maxine. ‘We need some gorgeous disposable men to escort us and make Charming jealous.’
‘Consider it done,’ said the Fairy Godfather.
In the corner of the room, the sisters had a cage containing two pet gerbils. The Fairy Godfather fired his gun at the gerbils and the cage shattered apart as the rodents instantly transformed into two shirtless hunks, complete with well defined pecs and abs. The two studs each chose a sister, kissed her on the cheek and then led her by the arm towards the door.
‘I like what you’ve done with Wayne and Shane!’ giggled Linzi as they walked towards the front of the house.
‘And now,’ said the Fairy Godfather, ‘for the transport.’
As they stepped out into the large front driveway of the house, the Fairy Godfather pointed his gun at a small wheelbarrow near the entrance and fired at it. The wheelbarrow morphed into a luxurious black stretch limousine. The sisters and their gerbil boyfriends eagerly got into the back and started pouring themselves champagne. The Fairy Godfather got into the front and started the engine.
‘Now remember dolls,’ said the Fairy Godfather, ‘the magic will wear off at midnight, so you need to finish your revenge and get out of there before then, capiche?’
‘Not a problem,’ hissed Maxine.
And with that, they drove off towards the ball, cackling all the way.

To be continued...

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